100+ Funny Confucius Quotes: Ancient Wisdom, Modern Laughs

Step into the world of giggles and grins with our collection of “Funny Confucius Quotes”! We’re about to show you a side of Confucius that’s all about laughs instead of serious stuff.

Confucius is usually known for being deep and thoughtful, but get ready to see a whole new hilarious side. Get ready to laugh and enjoy as we share some funny sayings that prove Confucius wasn’t just wise – he had a great sense of humor too!

We have also added humorous sayings and quotes styled as Confucius quotes for a light-hearted touch.

Remember these quotes are funny one-liners and have pretty much nothing to do with Confucianism.

Best Funny Confucius Quotes

#1

 “War not determine who is right, war determine who is left.”

#2

“He who has a sharp tongue, cuts own throat.”

#3

“It takes many nails to build a crib but only one screw to fill it.”

#4

“Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.“

#5

“Man who go to bed with sex problem on mind, wake up with solution in hand.”

#6

“He who laughs last is laughing at you.”

#7

“Man who stick foot in mouth liable to put other foot in.”

#8

“He who crosses the ocean twice without washing is a dirty double crosser!”

#9

“A man who tries to catch the wind with his hands will end up with a headache, but not with the wind.”

#10

“Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.”

#11

“A man who wants to read other people’s minds should first learn not to lose his own keys.”

#12

“He who buries a man’s wife alive, should not expect to sit at that man’s dinner table without the subject coming up.“

#13

“Man with one chopstick go hungry.”

#14

“He who throws dirt is losing ground.”

#15

“Man who jump off cliff, jump to conclusion!”

#16

“He who goes to bed with itchy butt, wakes up with stinky finger.”

#17

“When wife complain too much about no magic in marriage, husband will disappear.“

#18

“He who fish in other man’s well often catches crabs.”

#19

“Man who stick head in oven get pie in face.”

#20

“Woman who come to bed wearing nothing but running shoes, wants to have marathon session.”

#21

“Give man fish, feed him for a day. Teach man to fish, man build industry and destroy ecosystem.”

#22

“Man who tell one too many light bulb jokes will soon burn out!”

#23

“He who keeps feet firmly on ground, have trouble putting on pants.”

#24

“Crowded elevator smell different to midget.”

#25

“A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!”

#26

“Man who cut self while shaving, lose face.”

#27

“He who runs in front of car gets tired, but man who runs behind car gets exhausted!”

#28

“Man who eats too many prunes get good run for money.”

#29

“Baseball wrong – man with four balls cannot walk.”

#30

“House without toilet uncanny.”

#31

“Man who was a dude before marriage, is now subdued.“

#32

“A woman who is still waiting for Prince Charming risks ending up with a collection of frogs.”

#33

“State of pregnancy exist when woman takes seriously something poked in fun.”

#35

“He who is stupid today is still stupid tomorrow.”

Giggles in Silence: Embrace the Charm of 100+ Introvert Funny Quotes

Confucius Quotes Funny

#36

“Woman who fly airplane upside down have crackup.”

#37

“Man bobbing up and down in corn field is not planting grain.”

#38

“Man who sinks into woman’s arms, soon have arms in woman’s sink.”

#39

“Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.”

#40

“Squirrel who runs up woman’s leg not find nuts.”

#41

“Man who lay woman on ground, get piece on earth.”

#42

“Woman who buys shoes on sale will walk gracefully to her empty bank account.”

#43

“He who eats too many prunes, sits on toilet many moons.“

#44

“Man who read woman like book, prefer braille!”

#45

“Steal a man’s wallet and he’ll be poor for a week. Teach hockey to his kids and he’ll be poor forever.”

#46

“Woman who laughs when she runs may have cramps, but at least she will make others laugh.”

#47

“Foolish man give wife grand piano, clever man give wife upright organ.“

#48

“Passionate kiss like spider’s web soon lead to undoing of fly.”

#49

“Woman singing in the rain will probably end up with a cold, but at least she’ll be the most enthusiastic singer in the hospital.”

#50

“Man who bounce woman on bed spring, have offspring next spring.”

#51

“Man who does very little makes very few mistakes.“

#52

“Man who eats photo of father, soon spitting image of him.”

#53

“Man who turns woman upside down gets crack at her assets.”

#54

“Virgin like balloon – one prick, all gone.”

#55

“Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.”

#56

“Girl who rides bicycle peddles ass all over town.”

#57

“Man who take sleeping pill and laxative on the same night will wake up in deep shit.”

#58

“Man who sneezes without tissue takes matters in his own hands.”

#59

“The man who thinks chocolate solves all problems has clearly never tried to fix a flat tire with a chocolate bar.”

#60

“Man who farts in church sits in his own pew!”

#61

“Woman who counts her chickens before they hatch will eventually learn a hard lesson in biology.”

#62

“Man who put head on Railroad track to listen for train likely to end up with splitting headache.“

#63

“Woman who absentmindedly answer the door in her nightie is negligent.”

#64

“Boy fool with girl in wrong period get caught red handed.”

#65

“Woman laid in tomb may soon become mummy.”

#66

“Marriage like game of poker, you start with pair and end with full-house.“

#67

“Man who put on itchy sweater start every day from scratch.”

#68

“He who lives in glass house should change clothes in basement.”

#69

“Man who leap off cliff, jump to conclusion.”

#70

“A man who constantly speaks in philosophical quotations will have a hard time finding someone to quote him.”

Confucius Funny Quotes

#71

“Dumb man climb tree to get cherry, wise man spread limbs.”

#72

“Husband who sleep on couch last night, have hard time today.”

#73

“Man who open car door for girlfriend reveal one thing: either car is new or girlfriend is new.”

#74

“Everyone has a photographic memory, some people just don’t have film!”

#75

“He who tells one to many light bulb jokes, soon burn out.

#76

“Marriage is like tennis, love means nothing without some advantage.“

#77

“Man who smoke weed in elevator must be high.“

#78

“Forgive but not forget; otherwise you forgive the wrong persons.”

#79

“Wise men talk because they have something to say; fools talk because they have to say something.”

#80

“Happiness is good health and bad memory.”

#81

“Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.“

#82

“A woman who thinks she knows everything will find that Google knows a little more.”

#83

“He who light the fuse of love, get big bang.“

#84

“Man who drive like hell, bound to get there!”

#85

“Behind every successful man is good woman — and very surprised mother-in-law.”

#86

“No husband ever been shot while he do dishes.”

#87

“Man who get hit by car, get that run-down feeling.”

#88

“He who thinks only of number one must remember this number is next to nothing.”

#89

“He who get kicked in testicles, is left holding bag.“

#90

“Fly which rests on toilet seat gets pissed off.”

#91

“When blind man threw his saw, that was his mother.”

#92

“Man who searches the fridge for the meaning of life will only find last night’s leftovers.”

Confucius Say Funny Quotes

#93

“Rich old bachelor is man who have money to burn but no pilot light.“

#94

“Cross-eyed teacher cannot control pupils.”

#95

“Blind man who pees on electric fence will see the light.”

#96

“Woman who always takes the shortest route will probably find out it was under construction.”

#97

“A bird in hand makes hard to blow nose.”

#98

“Woman who claims shopping isn’t a sport has clearly never tried to carry ten bags at once.”

#99

“Woman who is in love with priest will chase him through church and grab him by the organ.“

#100

“He who thinks by the inch and talks by the yard deserves to be kicked by the foot.”

#101

“Mummys who take vacation, will relax and unwind.”

#102

“The man who believes the truth comes out of children’s mouths has probably never listened to a child explain where babies come from.”

In conclusion, these quotes remind us that wisdom can often be discovered in humor.

Although the great philosopher himself may not have uttered these precise words, the playful twist on his concise style presents a light-hearted perspective on life’s little truths.

Whether you’re chasing a car or perched on a toilet, life’s complexities become simpler with a touch of laughter.

So, when faced with a dilemma, just ponder, “What humorous advice would Confucius give?” and remember not to take life too seriously. Because, as Confucius never said, “He who laughs, lasts!”.