90 Best Funny Theo Von Quotes
Have a great time chuckling at these hilarious Theo Von Quotes!
Theo Von, a talented comedian, author, and podcast host, is well-known for his unique storytelling style and quick wit. Hailing from Covington, Louisiana, Theo has risen to fame as a sought-after stand-up comedian, captivating audiences with his personal anecdotes.
What sets Theo apart is his blend of humor and vulnerability, tackling topics like mental health and addiction. This raw approach has earned him a loyal fan base and critical acclaim. With a strong work ethic and growing body of work, Theo Von has become a prominent voice in comedy.
Check out these Theo Von quotes to gain insight into the world of this accomplished comedian.
Best Theo Von Quotes
#1
“If you think you’re going crazy, you’re probably not. Crazy people never ask themselves if they’re going crazy.”
#2
“If the path before you is clear, you’re probably on someone else’s.”
#3
“I have an everyday religion that works for me. Love yourself first, and everything else falls into line.”
#4
“Life begins right outside your comfort zone.”
#5
“I’m not afraid to fall; I’m afraid not to fly.”
#6
“I put a lot of work into being effortless.”
#7
“Life doesn’t make any sense, so why should I paint pictures that do?”
#8
“You have to get to that point where you’re just exhausted with your old self.”
#9
“I’m not telling you it is going to be easy — I’m telling you it’s going to be worth it.”
#10
“If you live for people’s acceptance, you’ll die from their rejection.”
#11
“Be brave enough to suck at something new.”
#12
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
#13
“You can’t change what people say about you behind your back, but you can change what they say to your face.”
#14
“The hardest thing about being yourself is deciding who that is.”
#15
“Life has a way of testing a person’s will, either by having nothing happen at all or having everything happen at once.”
#16
“It’s hard to be relatable when you don’t relate.”
#17
“The things we fear most have already happened to us.”
#18
“Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes.”
#19
“If you want to change the world, start with yourself.”
#20
“Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.”
#21
“Decide that you want it more than you are afraid of it.”
#22
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the waters to create many ripples.”
#23
“Let your joy be in your journey – not in some distant goal.”
#24
“You can waste your life drawing lines. Or you can live your life crossing them.”
#25
“Sometimes it’s the journey that teaches you a lot about your destination.”
#26
“Creativity comes from trust. Trust your instincts. And never hope more than you work.”
#27
“You have to create yourself. Be who you are. Mean it.”
#28
“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”
#29
“Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.”
#30
“If you don’t take risks, you’ll have a wasted soul.”
#31
“You have to act as if it were possible to radically transform the world. And you have to do it all the time.”
#32
“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”
#33
“Be the type of person you want to meet.”
#35
“Life is short, smash mouth is forever.”
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Funny Theo Von Quotes
#36
“Farts are a natural part of the human condition.”
#37
“I’m not good at small talk, that’s why I keep bringing up serial killers.”
#38
“If you can dodge a wrench, you can dodge a ball.”
#39
“If you’re offended by my material, thank you for letting me know. I don’t care.”
#40
“I don’t go to weddings to meet the bride, I go for the open bar.”
#41
“My family is a circus without clowns.”
#42
“I don’t have kids. I’m still working on myself.”
#43
“My idea of self-care is smoking weed and binging Netflix.”
#44
“You’ll never regret not smoking meth.”
#45
“My parents tried their best, they just weren’t very good at it.”
#46
“Being a grown-up doesn’t mean you have to act like one.”
#47
“You don’t wanna be the guy who peaked in high school.”
#48
“I don’t suffer from mental illness. I embrace it.”
#49
“Fairy tales have taught me that anything is possible if you have a talking animal sidekick.”
#50
“Never wrestle with a pig. You just get dirty and the pig likes it.”
#51
“I’m afraid of endings. That’s why I never finish anything.”
#52
“A plate is just a spread-out cup.”
#53
“Where I’m from, if you see two mentals huggin’, you call the cops.”
#54
“A reindeer is just a gay moose.”
#55
“A lot of people think LA is just a city of angels, but it’s actually a city of angles. Everyone’s playing an angle.”
#56
“Dating is tough for me. I think my love language is leaving.”
#57
“You ever notice every time someone says, ‘With all due respect,’ they’re about to say something disrespectful?”
#58
“My neighbor’s so nosy, she should donate her eyes to science.”
#59
“I have an addiction to underdogs. I would bet on a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest.”
#60
“Life is like a box of chocolates; it doesn’t last long if you’re fat.”
#61
“You know you’re from a small town when you’ve used a chainsaw for non-chainsaw activities.”
#62
“Halloween is the only time people are not themselves, but they’re honest about it.”
#63
“My dad was like a magician… He could turn a bottle of whiskey into domestic violence.”
#64
“I bought a self-help book, and it was so depressing. It should have come with a rope.”
#65
“If you want to know if you’re the dumbest person in the room, you’re not. It’s the person who just asked that question.”
#66
“Global warming is a lot like God. Some people believe in it, some don’t, and both sides think the other side is going to hell.”
#67
“You ever look at your ex and think, ‘Was I drunk the entire relationship?'”
#68
“My family tree must be a cactus because everybody on it is a prick.”
#69
“I alone cannot change the world, but I can cast a stone across the water to create many ripples.” – Mother Teresa
#70
“You know you’re ugly when you get handed the camera every time they make a group photo.”
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More Theo Von Quotes
#71
“I’m not saying my dad was an alcoholic, but he was the only person I knew who had a favorite parking spot at a liquor store.”
#72
“I’m so broke, if a robber tried to take anything from me, we’d just end up becoming friends.”
#73
“I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t born a boy, I’d have nothing to play with.”
#74
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.”
#75
“You ever wonder if clouds look down on us and say, ‘That one is shaped like an idiot’?”
#76
“We had a family tradition of running away from our problems. I was on the track team.”
#77
“My mom always said, ‘Life is like a box of chocolates, Theo. It’s expensive and eventually gives you diabetes.'”
#78
“I used to sell Similac baby formula door-to-door. I guess you could say I was milking it.”
#79
“People say, ‘Theo, you can’t choose your family.’ And I’m like, ‘Well, you haven’t been to an adoption agency then.'”
#80
“I’ve learned that there are two types of people in this world: those who can’t parallel park and liars.
#81
“Nothing changes if nothing changes.”
#82
“You’re not going to make a blockbuster if you can’t make just a regular buster first.”
#83
“Life’s too short to worry about what other people think. Just be yourself and let the chips fall where they may“
#84
“Now they have 100 machines for women at the gym. When I was young they had four machines at the gym for ladies, and three of ‘em were stoves!”
#85
“Australian is British people that weren’t doin good.”
#86
“Don’t take yourself too seriously. Life is a comedy, not a tragedy.”
#87
“Crutches are just ‘polio chopsticks’.”
#88
“The only limits in life are the ones you set for yourself.“
#89
“I’ve never understood why they call it ‘rush hour’ when you’re barely moving. Shouldn’t it be called ‘crawl hour’?”
#90
“I didn’t know all my friends were damn sex offenders, until Hollywood told me that they were.”
To sum it up, Theo Von has shared lots of funny and thought-provoking quotes throughout the years. These quotes show his unique way of making people laugh and his perspective on life. Even though he talks about serious topics like death, sadness, and struggle, Theo manages to find humor in them.
His quotes show that he can make fun of himself and find light in tough times. Whether he’s talking about relationships, childhood memories, or mental health, Theo always stays true to himself and aims to make his fans laugh. His clever and hilarious one-liners will keep entertaining people for a long time.
I hope you had fun exploring some of best Theo Von’s quotes in this post. His fresh perspective and dark humor always bring a smile to people’s faces.
